New Years Eve. It’s that time of the year where we stop and reflect on life’s journey over the last 12 months. Where we’ve been, what we’ve achieved, what we could have done better. And, perhaps most importantly, where we are headed next. The reflection is all the more significant this year, being also the end of a decade. 

For me, 2019 has been a wonderful year in every sense: personally, professionally, creatively and emotionally. For that, I am so incredibly grateful. As many of my loved ones know, there have been darker years in my past, where I never could have imagined feeling this content again. 

At our last session, I told my therapist just how lucky I felt. She smiled at me, rolling her eyes as she pushed back on my ‘luck’ statement. ‘Oh, just luck is it?’ She asked me, tongue firmly in cheek. ‘Nothing to do with the hard work you put in, or your passion, then?’ 

I laughed at the time, but later realised she was right. It’s hard for most of us to acknowledge what we have achieved out loud. We don’t want to blow our own trumpets about the hours we invest, the discipline required, the chaos we manage and the relationships we nurture along the way.

As a woman, especially, I find it all quite difficult to vocalise. As a woman with deeply ingrained impostor syndrome, it’s near on impossible. But NYE is a day to celebrate what has been, and what will come, and so, for today, I’ll tell that little voice of doubt to pipe down so I can do just that. Celebrate.

Celebrating a life of freedom

I didn’t choose a ‘word’ for 2019; but retrospectively, I realised that my subconscious did, and it absolutely influenced the decisions I made and what I prioritised this year. That word was Freedom. 

My husband and I (and now my therapist too!) often joke about my ‘freedom bucket’: a mythical vessel living in my heart, which, once sufficiently full, frees me from feeling trapped or powerless- and allows me to live an authentic, peaceful life. It gets emptied easily, and I’m very intentional about how I can re-fill it; through reading, writing, running, travelling, or through spending time with my loved ones. Luckily for me, my beautiful husband is equally aware of this need of mine and encourages me to make decisions that replenish my bucket regularly.

My freedom bucket has never been as full as it has this year; in large part due to taking on a global content role that I love, with an amazing team to learn and laugh with, and the flexibility to work from anywhere in the world with an internet connection. For someone who has lived with significant parts of their heart split across two countries for the best part of 14 years, I can never quite explain how much I value this. It has allowed me to cross continents to be with my family in London for large chunks of the year and to not miss the small life milestones that become the important memories we cherish when we look back. With Cammy landing a remote role too, our age-old worry about where to live has finally been put to bed. At last, we don’t need to choose.

Celebrating Wanderlust

My wandering heart discovered the beauty of Japan this year, as well as having the honour of hearing Jazz in New Orleans, eating all the things in Chicago, seeing friends in LA, and spending Summer and Christmas in London. I write this now on our last flight of the year: New Zealand, where we’ll watch some of our beautiful friends tie the knot next week. It’s the perfect way to end the year: celebrating love.

Celebrating Creativity

2019 was the year that I finally finished writing my fantasy novel: Chosen! It took five years and four drafts- as well as a pact with a dear friend to keep us both accountable. (And she finished her novel too, yay!)

I pitched it to several publishers at one of the literary events that I attended during the year and excitingly, three publishing houses requested to read the full manuscript. EEK! So now, I wait… But even if they don’t feel my story is a fit for them, there are many other avenues to try, and I am heartened in the knowledge that I can declare it complete, which was no easy journey.

There were many tears and tantrums along the way; paralysis and overwhelm. But dotted amongst the despair, were moments of pure euphoria. Moments where plots fell into place. A paragraph glistened perfectly on the page, waiting to be read. The music of a sentence so beautiful, you know you will never outdo it. And most of all: the knowledge that this story has been birthed into the world, and it can never be untold, no matter what. 

Celebrating Emotional Health

It would be remiss of me to give you the impression that 2019 has been a year without challenges, of course. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I aspire to be very open about my mental health journey. However, I know that the ‘highlight reel’ of social media doesn’t always transmit the full picture; the raw vulnerability of growth and healing, nor the blood, sweat and tears that come with it.

I suffered greatly with anxiety this year. Trying to overcome PTSD after a traumatic event the year before saw me battling night terrors, that woke me (and therefore my poor hubby) screaming or crying in fright on a nightly basis. I worried constantly. About my family. About hubs. About death. About whether I was doing a good job at work. I finally decided to go back to therapy- and it was the best decision I could have made. My therapist and I worked together to prepare for EMDR sessions. I’ll write about those soon, but they really helped me to process the trauma, much of which I didn’t even realise I was carrying, from childhood to now, and a couple of months ago, the night terrors stopped, at long last. 

I also spent a lot of time working through what it might mean to be a mother one day, and whether this was something I could make space for in my heart, and my life. 

It’s a very personal matter, but an important one, in a society where motherhood is often considered ‘the norm’ and well-meaning people frequently ask me about my desire to have children, my timelines, or my lack of offspring as a married woman.

The truth is that growing up, I waited to experience that ‘pull’ that so many women (& men) describe; that ‘wanting’ of a child and a family to call my own. But it never came for me. I loved my independence too much; my travel, my writing, my social life. I fought so very hard for the woman I have become, that the idea of letting her all go (albeit temporarily), for parenthood has been something I have massively struggled with. People are surprised when they hear this because I do adore kids. I usually like to point out here that I love handing them back too! 😉

I’ve gotten to a much clearer place, understanding that it’s my own ideas and expectations about what parenthood should look like that are holding me back, really. But these expectations and boundaries are for me and hubs to define, not society. And I’m beginning to see that it’s not so much a loss of who you are, as an evolution into who you might become. So that’s a pretty good place to start the journey of discovery, I reckon.

Looking forward…

So that brings me to 2020 and my word for the year. 

I brainstormed a few that were floating around in my head during this reflection: Create, Embrace, Boundaries, Slow and Bold were all in the running. But the one that I kept coming back to, over and over, is one that embodies some element of all of these.

I chose: Simplify. 

I want to simplify my busy life. To slow down and put my focus on fewer things that really matter.

I want to declutter the noise, create flow. I want to write more and worry less.

To waste less energy, time and money on the things that aren’t important. To let go of the people that drain my attention and my time, but give nothing back.  

To have smaller to-do lists, less stuff in our home.

I want more time to do more of the things I love, and with the people that I care about. I want space to learn new things.

So bring it on, 2020. I’m looking forward to meeting you.